Are you ready for the greatest rock'n'roll band in the world? Under 4'3"?

Then you're ready for Mini-Kiss, the all-midget Kiss tribute band.



I know, you're just mad that you didn't think of it first, aren't you?

Watch them in concert here!!

Why just have a snack?

When you can have the BIGGEST SNACK OF ALL TIME!

This is the theory behind Pimp My Snack!, a website dedicated to people who take the recipes to their favorite treats and then try to figure out how to make them 20 to 30 times bigger than they normally are!

Observe, for example, the pimped-out Kit Kat (seen here with its normal-size cousin):



The pimped-out Rolo:



The pimped-out bacon cheeseburger:


(That's a microwave to the right, to give you an idea of how big that burger is.)


Now, all we need to is pimp out bottles of Pepto-Bismol to match the stomach-aches that will accompany eating these, and you will have some pimped-out obesity in no time!

Because, as Ice-T once observed, sometimes pimpin' ain't easy.

All right, set aside a few minutes...

....and read Al Franken's opening speech at his debate with Ann Coulter last month.

REALLY funny, and really insightful.

Ann Coulter's remarks, while not reprinted here, were universally reported to be the conservative's version of "controversial", (i.e. unfunny and racist).

Sample remarks from Ms Coulter includes her opening statement, which immediately referenced the massive immigration rallies that were taking place across Los Angeles.

“I don’t remember the last time I saw that many angry Mexicans,” she said. “Now I know why my towels were a little late coming up to my hotel room.”

It's just like the tax cuts, people. As long as the rich people get to laugh at our expense, it doesn't matter if decency or fairness ever enters the picture.

Those of you who want a recording of this debate on CD can order one from KPCC 89.3 FM, an NPR station which broadcast the event. Mail a $15 check or money order to:

KPCC
1570 E. Colorado Blvd.
Pasadena, CA 91106

Please include the program, date and your telephone number, should there be any questions regarding your order.

Al Franken & Ann Coulter
March 27, 2006 7:30pm

Well, it's one way to remember your vacation....

As regular readers of this blog know, I'm a big fan of celebrities who make videos of themselves having sex, and then act shocked SHOCKED! when people steal them and make a million bucks off of them. I mean, there's this person and this person who are not actually paragons of good judgement, but at least you won't be tempted to do something like that, right?

Well....

It turns out that the newest trend in specialty hotel rooms is, in fact, supplying you with equipment to make your own pornographic video with while staying at the hotel! And we're not talking about some motel by the interstate either, these are super fancy rooms costing $375 a night!

The Hotel Solamar in San Diego is offering its guests the Wild Romance Package includes King Spa room with extra deep tub (it's more like a jacuzzi), a DVD Handycam camcorder (because you're gonna film how big the tub is, right?), a pitcher of saktinis and some toys like chocolate cigarettes, sensual lotions and potions.

For the Paris Hilton/R. Kelly voyeur in you, which means that you probably don't care how much it costs, the package will cost you $649 a night plus taxes and a two minimum stay.

Boy, forget about looking under the mattress for surprises in your hotel room, just check what's left in the video camera!

It's time to do The Stalk!

A while back, my good friends Kirsten Kelly and Anne Demare began filming a truly fantastic documentary about asparagus called "Asparagus, A Stalkumentary".

The film details the story of a small community in Michigan who become producers of asparagus virtually overnight, and the ways that they try to promote Michigan asparagus to consumers. They do things like having a Mrs. Asparagus Pageant, hosting the National Asparagus Festival, and even getting a group of children to sing songs about asparagus at The White House!

But my all-time favorite way they promoted asparagus was to come up with the disco dance called The Asparagus Stalk! Yes, that's right, an actual dance about the growing of asparagus.

So when the filmmakers discovered at the last second that they would not be able to use the disco music that they had originally selected, they called me to supply a new asparagus disco theme. It was the call that I had been waiting for my entire life.

And so! Without further ado! I give you........THE ASPARAGUS STALK!

(Video had to be removed temporarily, replacement coming soon)

What's so great about this movie is that it all REALLY happened, and is still going on today! Stay tuned here for more "Asparagus" updates coming soon.

Now, I am not a woman but...

...if I was, I would be all over this.



Discovery News is reporting on a new kind of fabric purse that can detect its contents and alert the owner when something is missing.

The Ladybag, aimed at young professional women, could put an end to leaving the house without the cell phone, house keys, or wallet.

"We are a group of six women on the team. We came up with the bag idea because we thought that all of us would use it," said team member Ginny Mesina, a senior at Canada's Simon Fraser University.

Mesina and the team, including Sherry Li, Nasrin Roya, Huma Zaidi, Lillian Tam, and Jenny Vi, developed the idea as part of a course project, which placed students from the university's interactive arts degree and the information technology degree together.

To design the purse, the students used off-the-shelf technology. Into the bottom of the bag they embedded a radio frequency identification reader, which is powered by a nine-volt battery.

They wired the reader to a screen-like panel in the front of the bag, which contains three patterns of light-emitting diodes.

Each pattern is an icon representing an essential item that the owner does not want to leave home without. In the prototype, these items are a set of keys, a wallet, and a cell phone.

Lastly, they attached an RFID sensor to each of those items.

As long as each item is missing from the Ladybag, its corresponding icon lights up. As the keys, phone, and wallet are each placed into the tote, the icon blinks off.

"I always forget my phone, but always remember my handbag. This is a great solution," said industrial designer Rosanna Kilfedder, a master's degree candidate at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh, Scotland.

God damn, gas is expensive!

It cost me like 700 bucks to fill up a Dodge Neon today.

Good thing that there's...





Click on the logo above to find the lowest (but still obscenely high) price of gas in your area.

Some days I blog for you people, and some days I blog for me.

Today, hopefully, is a blog for all of us.

Because some time, very soon, my son is going to wake me up before 6am and I am just not gonna wanna get out of bed yet. If you have children, you know where I'm coming from.

AND THEN! I will sob with happiness as I will remember that I have blogged the page where all of the amazing videos of Sesame Street are stored on the web.

And my son can watch them on my laptop which I will drag into bed with me, and he will be happy while I get another 5 minutes of precious sleep.

Judge if you will. This is necessary for early morning survival.

In fact, go watch this. I'm going back to bed.

And you thought your traffic was bad!

Man, I drive in big cities across this country all the time, and I find myself asking the same question all time:

"Why the hell are you people driving so goddam slowly?"

I mean, seriously, traffic is just insane in many of our big cities these days! And I'm not just talking about rush hour here.

Why does it take me an hour to get through the Holland Tunnel in NYC at 1 in the morning? Why do the express lanes on the Kennedy (90/94) in Chicago always go slower than the local lanes, and why would anyone ever refer to them as "express"? Why does the 10 highway get jammed up at the 110 in LA, no matter what time it is? Can anyone explain what the hell is going on in Long Beach that makes the 405 so jammed up all the freakin time when I'm driving to San Diego? AND, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN DELAWARE THAT MAKES I-95 A FUCKING PARKING LOT 24/7? YOU'RE DELAWARE, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I SHOULDA BEEN THRU YOUR STATE BEFORE I REALIZED I WAS IN IT! YOU'RE FREAKIN' DELAWARE! DELAWARE!!!!!

Ahem.

All this brings me to my point. See, contrary to popular belief, we're not the only country dealing with these kindsa problems. Other countries have them too, and they don't necessarily have the most high-tech ways of dealing with them.

Take, for example, this video of a crowded street in India. They don't have express lanes, they don't have speed bumps. Hell, they don't even have a stoplight. And yet, somehow, their traffic works flawlessly. Watch this and you'll see what I mean.



See? Why can't all traffic just function like this? Can't we all just get along?

I'm looking at you, Delaware!

OK. This cracked me up.

See, here's the thing.

I love my job. I do. But it can get a little hectic. Around this time of year, it gets REALLY hectic.

Now what does hectic mean in my job? Well, see, in order for me to make a living in this job of providing music and sound for theatre and film, it requires me to take a lot of jobs around the country. Because I need to get so many jobs in a year to pay for my rock'n'roll lifestyle, it makes it tough to turn stuff down when people offer.

Well, ok, that's not entirely true. It's not just because of the dough. It's also because the shows sound really interesting, or the theatre is some place I really enjoy working, or the people are someone I'm really interested in working with...

Look, I made this rule a couple of years ago that I would only work on shows that really excite me or interest me in some big way. And you know what? I work three times as much now. What can ya do?

ANYWAY. This is a LONG preamble to this fairly short story I'm about to tell. So, last week, I did the music and sound design for this show called Splitting Infinity at Geva Theatre in Rochester, NY. Geva was one of the very first regional theatres that I worked at in my career, and I can honestly say that the people there are some of the nicest that I've ever met working in theatre. I love going there anytime.

Now, I wrote the music and did the sound design for this show, but I could only be there for a couple of days, instead of the full tech period, like I normally would be. I had to go to Atlanta to tech another show, (just like I had to leave that show in Atlanta early to go to Chicago to tech another show, just like I have to leave that show early to tech... you get the idea.)

Geva has this tradition of taking a picture of the creative team (the director, dramaturg, and designers), and that's usually on the night before final dress rehearsal. Except for me. Because, of course, I was gone by then.

Will Pickens, my assistant designer on the show and a totally swell guy, calls me and says "Hey, they're gonna take the picture, do you have something you send for me to hold up in the picture?"

So I sent my headshot, which I hardly ever use. Below is the result, click on it to see it at full size. Then try to guess which one is me.

Hey, you want some 7-Up?

Click here for a free 2-liter.

It's no Diet Pepsi, but it'll do in a pinch.

The coolest baby gift ever.

Fantastic baby gift from the fabulously named Nippaz With Attitude! It's little gloves with the same LOVE/HATE finger tattoos that Robert Mitchum had in Night Of The Hunter:



Cool, huh? Well, I like it anyway.

Welcome back!

Well, if you'll recall, I went on a blog hiatus there for about 6 weeks while I did way WAY too much stuff at once. It all worked out, somehow, and now I'm back. The blog's now daily again AND! AS PROMISED! I've gone back and begun to make up for all the missed blog postings. As of this moment, April has all been filled in, and I should have all of March done by the end of the week. And it's pretty entertaining stuff! At least, it was to me. If you're looking for deep insight, consult your clergy. If you're looking to kill time on the internet with mindless drivel, however, you're in the right place.

OK! Scroll down and have fun.

Stop, thief!

Happy Easter, people!

Finally! Evidence that, in fact, I am God.

So I'm working on this play right now called Splitting Infinity by this young upstart playwright I know. She's got a hot career ahead of her, you wait and see.

Anyway, so the premise of Splitting Infinity is based around an astrophysicist attempting to prove (or disprove) the existence of God through science. Interesting idea, right? Well, so imagine my surprise when the playwright sent me this article from CNN which details a mathematician's formula for proving that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that God does not exist.

The article says:

It is faith, not proof, that makes Christians believe in Jesus Christ's resurrection, the central tenet of the religion. Until now. Oxford University professor Richard Swinburne, a leading philosopher of religion, has seemingly done the impossible. Using logic and mathematics, he has created a formula that he says shows a 97 percent certainty that Jesus Christ was resurrected by God the Father, report The Age and Catholic News.

This stunning conclusion was made based on a series of complex calculations grounded in the following logic:

1. The probably of God's existence is one in two. That is, God either exists or doesn't.
2. The probability that God became incarnate, that is embodied in human form, is also one in two.
3. The evidence for God's existence is an argument for the resurrection.
4. The chance of Christ's resurrection not being reported by the gospels has a probability of one in 10.
5. Considering all these factors together, there is a one in 1,000 chance that the resurrection is not true.

Stunning, right?

Well, no, actually. I mean, what the hell kinda logic is that? You could prove just about anything based on that logic! I know I can, and trust me, math is not my strong suit.

For example:

1. There is a one in two chance that the sandwich that I eat for dinner will, in fact, be the mystically storied "Holy Sandwich", which will immediately imbue me with all the powers of God. Either it is or it isn't.

2. The probability of God became incarnate, that is embodied in sandwich form, is also 1 in 2.

3. The plate that my sandwich was served on is evidence that the sandwich existed, and therefore an argument for ascension to divinity.

4. The chance of me eating a holy sandwich not being reported by the media is a probability of 1 in 10.

5. Considering all these factors together, there is a 1 in 1000 chance that I am not God, as empowered by the holy sandwich.


I'll let you know how it works out after dinner.

What? And give up show business?

From the Las Vegas version of Craigslist:

Mop man at adult video arcade
Reply to: job-151296959@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-04-14, 5:28PM PDT


Needed part-time. Mop Man at Sids adult books friday and saturday nights bussiest 8pm to 8am. 6.50 hr let me know SID

* Job location is las vegas
* Compensation: 6.50 hr.
* This is a part-time job.
* This is an internship job


Boy, don't you wish that this job could somehow become the focus of jobs that Americans will or will not do in the whole illegal immigration debate? If some of those Republicans held this job for a weekend, something tells me that there would be amnesty for anyone ever.

BEHOLD! THE NIRVANA OF FREE!

Oh my god. This is incredible, people. Pull up a chair, you're gonna be here a while.

OK, so you know how occasionally I like to post things that you can get for free on the internet, whether it's free samples of something or like a free trinket or whatnot?

WELL! There is a new site called Absurdly Cool Freebie Finder that is a compendium of all that is free on the internet!!

And we're not talking those scams for the Free-Ipod-after-you-get-100-people-to-click-on-a-link kinda crap, we're talking about stuff like free coffee, free dishwashing soap, and a free jump rope!


Hell, you can even get free shampoo that smells like chocolate milk! I have no idea what the hell the idea is there, but who cares? It's free! FREE, I TELL YOU! WILDLY, MADLY, INSANELY FREE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

All right. I'm going to nap.

Now you too can be an internet geek.

You know what I love about the internet?

Everyone has been given permission to let out their inner geek. Bloggers tell you the things that they've been thinking all day, people bond on bulletin boards about their various obesessions, and a lot of very strange people show you their crazy ideas that they have about something cool that they're trying to create.

The last category is where a site like Instructables comes in handy - teaching you how to make things that you had no idea that you wanted.

Like how about a gun that shoots marshmallows?



Click here to watch a video of the gun in action.

Or how about a a belt made entirely out of bicycle parts?



Or maybe something really cool like the incredily useful (and also hilarious) instructions to hack into a $3 pen and turn it into one of those really amazing $200 Montblanc pens that you've wanted all your life?



My favorite was a simple yet effective solution to repair CD's that are scratched beyond recognition. Turns out your secret pal is Brasso! Who knew?

It's official. There is now a blog for everything.

I know, I know, everyone needs a hobby, everyone needs an output for their thoughts, feelings and desires.

But this is a little ridiculous.



Behold! McGriddle Fan Fiction! The blog devoted entirely devoted to fiction about McDonald's breakfast sandwiches.

No, I am not kidding.

Here are excerpts from the rules for posting on the blog:

Name: McGriddle Fan Fiction

About: This is a LiveJournal community for writers of McGriddle Fan Fiction, Breakfast Fan Fiction, and McGriddle Creative Writing. While our primary focus is on Fan Fic involving the McDonald's McGriddle, we extend membership to writers of any sort of breakfast food creative writing (i.e. McMuffins, Bagel Sandwiches, Pancakes, etc).

Rules:

I will delete any posts that do not adhere to the rules.

* Keep it reasonably clean. Nothing worse than PG-13.
* Be courteous. If You don't like someone's post, keep it to yourself. No flaming.
* Keep it focused on breakfast products. I don't want to hear about any french fries.

George Bush's Map Of The World

Click on picture to see it full size.

Funny. But scary. Because you know it's true.

Shortcuts through the checkpoints at American airports

Long lines at airport security checkpoints are no surprise, but not all
lines are created equal. Conor Dougherty in the Wall Street Journal (subscription required) points to some excellent shortcuts and counterintuitive strategies for getting through security faster.

The common theme is to find security checkpoints that are not located
immediately behind the check-in counters, or that are closer to the
smaller carriers' counters. This will only work if the secure areas are
connected: An airport like Newark, where each pier has its own security
checkpoints, doesn't have secret shortcuts. (Though there may be bus
service past security, connecting the gates, now that I think of it...
hmm...)

The tips are worth quoting at length:

Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport

TIP: Get to the edges

Dallas is one of the most connected airports. Once flyers pass
through security, they can travel to any terminal on the airport's
train (it comes every two minutes in each direction). DFW also has
several security checkpoints at each of its crescent-shaped terminals.
The speedy lines, we found, are typically at the ends of each terminal.

Take Terminal A, which has American flights. The fastest
checkpoint is on the northernmost point of the terminal, just in front
of gate A12 (average wait time of two minutes, compared with around 10
minutes for the others).


San Francisco International Airport

TIP: Get driver to drop you off at first point

Take Terminal 3. Travelers can access any gate from the
terminal's four security stations. American passengers are typically
sent to one checkpoint and United passengers to the others -- and you
may not get turned away if you show up at the station typically used by
the other airline.



Chicago O'Hare International Airport

TIP: Security stations with fewer magnetic gates often have faster
lines

O'Hare International is the country's second-busiest passenger
airport and a hub for airlines, including United and American, which
together account for about 80% of O'Hare's traffic. It also has some of
the most inconsistent security lines -- so there's often just a few
dozen yards between a long wait and none at all.

The first checkpoint in Terminal 1 -- the northernmost in the
terminal and just before gate B9 -- has eight magnetometers and an
average wait of eight minutes on Friday at 4 p.m., and a maximum wait
of 18 minutes. But resourceful flyers head to the southern end of
Terminal 1. There, a checkpoint with two magnetometers,and a wait of
two minutes, deposits travelers into a wide corridor leading to
Terminal 2. But hang a hard right -- down a dark and narrow hallway --
and you're on the secure side of Terminal 1.


Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport

TIP: Get to the people-movers

Phoenix is one of the country's faster airports, with an
average wait time under 10 minutes, according to the TSA. And it could
get better: The airport added 10 security lanes in 2005. Terminal 4,
which houses the recently merged America West and U.S. Airways, is the
airport's largest, handling about three- quarters of the traffic. It
also has the most security options.

Any one of the four security checkpoints of Terminal 4 will
give travelers access to their planes. But according to TSA data, the
lines leading to "B" and "D" gates tend to be the shortest. (Inside the
rectangular terminal, a network of moving walkways shuttle passengers
quickly from gate to gate.) Unfortunately, this won't work at other
terminals -- each gate area is served by a single checkpoint, and
passengers can't move between areas once they're through security.


Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport

TIP: Avoid checkpoints near Northwest gates

Minneapolis-St. Paul, a big Northwest Airlines hub, has two
terminals -- one big and one small. The smaller Humphrey Terminal has
just one route through security, but waits tend to be shorter because
the terminal isn't often busy. But the larger Lindbergh Terminal, where
all of those Northwest (as well as United and American) customers go,
has several security entry points.

The trick: Avoid the security gates near the Northwest ticket
counters -- even if you're flying NWA. The two southernmost checks in
the area leading to the "F" gates can have waits of around 20 minutes
on an average Monday morning, while the one next to them is about 30%
shorter. In any case, there are six checkpoints in a row, and flyers
can slip through any one.


I'm sure there are others. At Detroit, you can cut through the Westin
hotel, which has its own security checkpoint, for example.

Of course, now that they've pointed these secrets out (and I've
repeated them...), they might not be as secret much longer...

I'm still not blogging yet. Honest.

WOW!

A real rarity currently on Ebay!

An original pressing of The Shaggs "Philosophy Of The World" on Third World Records! This is the record label that originally put out this outsider classic over 35 years ago. It maybe sold 100 copies, and then the record label went out of business, and all the remaining copies of the record disappeared. I'm not sure that The Shaggs themselves have a copy of this. Very exciting to those of us that comprise the 50 biggest record geeks of the universe.

Go here or here or here to learn more about The Shaggs. I would post more about them, but I'm still in the midst of my self-imposed blog exile, due to massive chaos and a reckoning with the vast over-estimation of what I can actually do in a day.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, You're Weird.

Big week in Las Vegas for the International Rock Paper Scissors Tournament, sponsored by Bud Light. As reported by The Las Vegas Review-Journal, over 260 competitors showed up to get drunk and compete for the title of the master of the game that you haven't played since you were seven years old.

Now, before you go snickering off thinking what kinda moron would get involved in this, I should tell you that the winner of this tournament would win a cash purse of $50,000! Not too shabby, eh? Well, warm up your fists and let's get cracking.

Some of the contestants arrived ready for serious competition. One woman could be seen during the second round of play slapping her husband/boyfriend on his cheeks like a trainer trying to knock some life back into a rubber-legged boxer.

But for most of the competitors, the event was more about having fun and enjoying the free trip to Las Vegas that the nice people at Bud Light had provided.

They came in costumes. A schoolgirl. Gowns and elaborate dresses. The Budweiser frogs from the TV commercial, with real women -- the "Bud" and the "Er" -- flanking a stuffed green "Weis" frog in the middle. A father-son team who won a $500 "best costume" prize for dressing up as Barney Fife and Otis the drunk from the old Andy Griffith show. And, in a clear instance of sucking up to the sponsor, a few people dressed as Bud Light cans, cases and bottles.

Tom Meredith of Fort Wayne, Ind., wore a striking ensemble consisting of a cape, Budweiser jockey shorts, cowboy boots and a scissors headdress that, as the day wore on, earned him a small but devoted following as "Scissors Man." His picture is up at the top of this post.

The event's final rounds took place in a miniature boxing ring onstage. Refereeing was veteran Nevada boxing referee Richard Steele, who got in the goofy spirit of things by noting, "This is, clearly, the highlight of my life."

When the final match ended shortly after 7 p.m., David McGill, a 30-year-old student from Omaha, Neb., seemed as surprised as anybody that he'd be taking home the $50,000 first-place check and a surprisingly stylish trophy.

Asked by the event's host, comedian Dave Attell, about his final throw, McGill confessed that, "it could have been a rock or a scissors."

"I'm sorry," McGill explained. "I've been here since 2 in the afternoon."

The event was taped for broadcast on the A&E Network and is scheduled to run at 10 p.m. June 12. So set your Tivo's and see if you can guess what will come next!

All right. Wish me luck.

So, remember that April 7 deadline I was talking about? That's tomorrow. I can't believe we made it this far, but here we are. If it works, I'll tell ya the whole story, I promise. If it doesn't, then forget I said anything.

AND THEN! TWO MORE WEEKS OF CRAZY AND I'M BACK TO DAILY BLOGGING! YAY!

Anybody want a free USB drive?

Click here.

It's the new brochure for the new Audi A3. But it comes on a 32MB thumb drive. Throw out the brochure, and you got yourself a flash drive for free. Nice, huh?

Don't say I never did nothing for ya.

Anybody want some free gum?

Free Pack of Dentyne for the asking.

Yes, I'm Mr. Free Stuff this week. Still not really blogging, however.

Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-NINE!

Have you ever felt like you've spent too much time in front of this computer? Like, for example, when you've been reading this blog for a long time? Well you have nothing on this guy pictured below named Les Stewart, from Mudjimba, Australia.



After 16 years at the typewriter, Les is a millionaire of words. On November 25, 1998, he reached his goal of typing all numbers from one to one million - in words (not numbers) on his manual machine. A regular entrant in the record books since he started his marathon task in 1982 as therapy following an accident and serious illness. Seven manual typewriters, 1000 ink ribbons, 19,890 pages, 16 years and seven months later, he finished with the lines:

nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. one million.

When asked why he has undertaken this time consuming and repetitious task (when he is not, in fact, a character in Samuel Beckett play), Les says that he has little else to do now that he has been classed as an invalid, and can no longer work. Besides that, Les enjoys typing and used to be a police typing instructor before his sickness which meant his withdrawal from the force. Typing an average three pages a day with one finger since April 1982, Les said his secret was to type for 20 minutes on the hour, every hour.

Les is no newcomer to breaking records: Some years ago he broke the Australian Record of treading water, and then he went on to swim continuously for 30 hours, establishing another Australian record.

When asked why the record books would even record such a record in the first place, a spokesman replied "Are you kidding? Can you imagine how many letters that this guy would have written us by now, trying to harrass us into making this a record? Now we're gonna have to make the 'calling yourself and leaving yourself a voicemail' a new record or we'll never hear the end of it."

Treehouse of the year

A somewhat bizarre but cool photo-essay about some guy who built the world's most kick-ass treehouse, and brought it to the woods. Unfortunately, all the text is in Russian. But here are the photos, click on any of them to see them at full size.

Hey, why work so hard for a thousand virgins in heaven when you can have an aging Italian pornstar right here on Earth?

This, of course, is not an April Fools Day Joke. Do we even need them anymore with stories like this?

A few months ago, I spent a little time in Italy, and, being the night owl I am, I spent some time watching late-night Italian television.

From what I could tell, all Italians basically want to see two things on television: very serious discussions about politics and young good-looking naked chicks. They want to see those two things so badly that they want them to be on the same show, they honestly cannot separate the two, nor do they want to. Imagine Meet The Press with strippers sitting everybody's laps and that, my friend, is basically all shows on Italian television after 10pm.

So it's no surprise to me that Cicciolina, one of the only people in Italy to have been both a porn movie star and a member of Italian Parliament, has a plan for how to deal with Osama Bin Laden in the way that all native Italians know so well.



Speaking at an erotic fair in Bucharest, Romania, Cicciolina said: "It is time someone did something about Bin Laden, and I am ready to do it.

"I am ready to make a deal, he can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny. My breasts have only ever helped people while Bin Laden has killed thousands of innocent victims."

The blonde porn star, whose real name is Anna Ilona Staller, pointed out that Bin Laden could learn from Saddam Hussein's mistakes.

In the 1990s she offered herself to Saddam Hussein if he gave up dictatorship of Iraq, and added that if he had taken up her offer "who knows what might have happened."

Yes, because I'm sure that, right now, Saddam Hussein is somewhere going "DAMMIT! IF ONLY I HAD HAD SEX WITH CICCIOLINA, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED!"

If only Osama learns from this fatal mistake in time...