Pull yourself together, people! Tom Waits is going on tour!

According to Billboard Magazine, Tom Waits is going on tour which is huge as it happens like once in a blue moon. As a person who saw his last tour seven years ago, I can tell you it's one of the most entertaining nights you're ever gonna spend.

For some strange reason, he is going to some cities that you would not necessarily expect him to show up in. When asked about this, Waits said ""We need to go to Tennessee to pick up some fireworks, and someone owes me money in Kentucky."

And while there's no word of a new album from Waits, Anti- Records is at work on a long-awaited boxed set. No release date has been nailed down, according to the artist's rep.

Waits will also be seen in two dramas set for theatrical release next year: "The Good Heart" alongside Ryan Gosling and "Texas Lullaby" with John Malkovich and Josh Hartnett, which is loosely based on William Shakespeare's "Hamlet."

Here are Tom Waits' tour dates:

Aug. 1: Atlanta (Tabernacle)
Aug. 2: Asheville, N.C. (Thomas Wolfe Auditorium)
Aug. 4: Memphis (Orpheum Theatre)
Aug. 5: Nashville (Ryman Auditorium)
Aug. 7: Louisville (Palace Theatre)
Aug. 9: Chicago (Auditorium Theatre)
Aug. 11: Detroit (Opera House)
Aug. 13: Akron, Ohio (Civic Theatre)

I wish I could make one of these shows but I can't. But if you're out there, you know you need to be there.

Ahhhh! Massive Attack is touring U.S. too!!

OK, so remember when I said it had been 7 years since Tom Waits had toured the US? Well, it's been 8 years since Massive Attack toured here! And now they're finally coming back!

Besides their Coachella performance earlier this year, the triphop pioneers haven't graced our shores since they toured in support of Mezzanine back in '98. NME posted that collaborators Elizabeth Fraser and Horace Andy may be coming along for the dates, but Massive Attack has yet to confirm these rumors.

09.10.06 - Toronto, ON (V Festival)
09.11.06 - Montreal, QC (Metropolis)
09.12.06 - Detroit, MI (Slate Theater)
09.13.06 - Chicago, IL (Riviera Theater)
09.15.06 - Houston, TX (Verizon Wireless Theater)
09.16.06 - Austin, TX (Austin City Limits Festival)
09.17.06 - Dallas, TX (Nokia Theater)
09.19.06 - Phoenix, AZ (Celebrity Theater)
09.20.06 - San Diego, CA (SDSU Open Air Theater)
09.22.06 - Berkeley, CA (Greek Theater)
09.23.06 - Las Vegas, NV (The Joint)
09.24.06 - Los Angeles, CA (Hollywood Bowl)
09.28.06 - Washington, DC (9:30 Club)
09:29.06 - Washington, DC (9:30 Club)
09.30.06 - Philadelphia, PA (Tower Theater)
10.01.06 - Boston, MA (Orpheum Theater)
10.03.06 - New York, NY (Roseland Ballroom)
10.04.06 - New York, NY (Roseland Ballroom)
10.05.06 - New York, NY (Roseland Ballroom)

Save up your money, folks. It's gonna finally be a good couple of months to go back to the rock clubs.

Yay! It's my birthday!

Well, it's my birthday and I feel like celebrating it by hearing Happy Birthday, as performed by The Ramones for Mr. Burns on The Simpsons!

Nice, huh? Although I do feel bad for the Rolling Stones....

Well. Time to write for that correspondence course in air conditioner repair.

In keeping with what I perceive to be a continuing global conspiracy for people to tell me how easy my job is, Sony has announced the release of its new Cinescore automated soundtrack creation software, described by the company as "a breakthrough in professional soundtrack creation, automatically generating fully composed, multigenre, production music perfect for movies, slideshows, commercials, and radio productions." The software retails for $249.00, with an academic version available for $145.00.

According to Sony, Cinescore software includes a broad selection of musical theme packs and styles that can be customized to match the mood and musical genres of a project. Users select a theme pack based on keywords and more, and the Cinescore engine "composes" music that can be shaped based on user input and selections to fit a scene. Sony says each Cinescore theme pack can automatically generate an unlimited number of custom arrangements and variations.

Features of the software include the capability to automatically generate music to fit a specific time, 20 fully customizable theme packs in multiple genres, 16-bit, 44.1 kHz audio, user-defined settings enabling users to create unlimited musical results, "hint" markers to control changes in tempo, mood and intensity, multiple ending types, over 300 sound effects and audio transitions, video scoring track and real-time preview window, audio sweetening track, audio track markers, CD audio extraction to add in additional musical material, volume and pan curves, and more.

Music libraries may be most impacted by the release of Cinescore - Sony markets Cinescore as a way to avoid "clunky blocks of prearranged music" and "complicated licensing fees to drain your budget." In addition, the music generated by Cinescore is advertised by Sony as "royalty-free" which may give the software an advantage over music libraries who charge sync fees or usage fees for individual pieces of music.

Filmmakers and television producers creating original music from musical building blocks including loops and pre-recorded musical elements has been happening for some time now. One of the most high-profile themes created in this way is the theme to the hit ABC show Alias which was created by producer J.J. Abrams entirely using Reason sample/loop playback software.

As filmmakers create custom music with Cinescore, it is expected that they will claim lucrative ASCAP and BMI writer and publisher performance royalties on the music they create, as they seek to enhance the financial return from films and exercise more control over the creation of score music for their films.

Is this the beginning of the end of film composers? Well, not quite, says Mark Northam, head of the Film Music Network. In a recent column, Northam seemed to think that "Cinescore and similar soundtrack generating software will likely grab a share of lower-end production where the musical needs are not that complex, just as Turbo Tax is used by consumers and small businesses for many simpler tax filings to replace the hiring an accountant or tax preparer."

Well, ok. But isn't this just a way that directors can slowly take over the job of composer, as we all know that many of them define the art of collaboration as the art of just telling other people what to do?

Northam chooses to look at the optimistic viewpoint. "By letting interested directors be more involved in the scoring process, composers can align themselves more closely with directors (rather than working for directors) and the creation of the score becomes much more of a collaborative and joint effort. While some composers may see this as an unwanted intrusion into their creative domain, I believe it’s the way of the future - especially with filmmakers who now, thanks to a digital world and rapidly expanding array of digital filmmaking tools, have very exact and specific control over every element of the creation and editing process for film."

And maybe he's right. It could be a better way to shortcut to what directors are really after, instead of trying to guess. But the part of the collaborative process that everyone always seems to miss is that while it's absolutely the director's vision that's being served, exactly how that vision will be best served can be determined by a person who has an understanding of the myriad of options available to them. Therefore, the score can feel more unique while still remaining true to what the director wants. That, in a nutshell, is why you hire a composer.

Or, at least, it was. Anyway, 6 months from now, I'm gonna have the coolest house on the block, just as soon as my degree shows up, signed by Sally Struthers.

Deal or no deal?

I don't actually know anybody who reads that crazy Redeye Magazine that the Chicago Tribune puts out, but boy, they got me with their recent articles on how to haggle!

First, there's the article that explains the whole concept behind haggling. The main thing you need to know is "I learned that you can always ask. They have the right to say no," according to Goodwin Heil, professional haggler.

But who to ask? This article explains who's open to haggling and how open they might be.

But the most important article is the tips you need for successful haggling, as defined by Herb Cohen, author of the new book "You Can Negotiate Anything".

His tips are:

Virtually everything is negotiable
Cohen says besides ethical, moral and religious principles, everything is negotiable. Everything. But it's also important to realize when it makes sense to not negotiate.

"Can you negotiate a quarter pound of butter?" he says. "Probably you could. You get three cents off at a store but you spend an hour of your time doing it so it's clearly not worth your while."

Treat salespeople well
Instead of being cynical toward salespeople, Cohen suggests treating them as you would want to be treated.

"Your style should be amiable and friendly," he said. "Don't try to know more about the [product] than the salesperson. Don't be an expert. Ask them for help. If you do that, it will work."

Find the decision-maker
There's no point in talking to a salesperson who can't give you the deal you're looking for.

"Get someone who knows that the store has some give," Cohen says. "Go to the manager, go to the owner of the store. Say to the person you're dealing with, 'Can I talk to the owner?'"

Be able to walk away
Never get emotionally attached to material items, Cohen says, and understand the benefit of a salesperson watching you-and your money-walk out the door.

"Say to them, 'Look, take my card. You give me a call.'" Cohen says. "And I guarantee you within 48 hours, within 72 hours, you'll hear from them and the price will be lower."

"The idea is not to try and score the best price or walk out of there paying less than anybody has ever paid before but to find a common middle ground between you and the merchant so that everybody walks away happy," said Quincy Fleming, a seasoned haggler. "That's the true haggling experience."

Ultimately, Fleming said, good hagglers know never to get too emotional about what they're trying to buy.

"You fall in love with a rug, then you'll always pay too much."

But how does this work in practice? Well, check it out with our old pals from Tinley Park, The Monkey Boys! Click below to watch the 5 minute movie on how to really hit garage sales or go here for the full 35 minute version of the film!

What good is having a fine line between creepy and hilarious if you cannot find new ways to walk it?

And today we'll be doing that with The Marvelous Crooning Boy! from Eugene Mirman. Click on the song title to hear this creepy child sing it.

Make sure you click on the More songs tab as well, and watch the videos!

When a mediocre show is good news for all of us

First of all, sorry I've been out of touch. It's been a crazy week, and I'm just now catching up. I've filled in all the missing days, so be sure to scroll down for more excitement.

So I'm working in NYC this week, and, of course, with the Tonys around the corner, the hot topic around town is Julia Roberts and how she was snubbed by the Tony committee for her performance in "Three Days Of Rain".

Now, no one thinks that she SHOULD have been nominated for a Tony, mind you. But the fact that she's a mega-superstar and willing to work on Broadway is still such a shock that people think that she should be rewarded just for showing up.

Still, she took a BEATING from the critics for her performance, which, by all accounts, was not bad per se, just sort of ordinary and dull. NY critics, who are rough by nature, pounced on this lackluster performance and basically said "It's not as easy as it looks, is it, dearie?".

And honestly, I'm of two minds about this.

On the one hand, yes, it's not that easy. Just because you're Julia Roberts does not mean you get a pass on doing a good job. If we allow the quality of things to decline because of the concessions made to actually get the stars in the building, then we might as well just call the whole thing off.

On the other hand, take a look at this development.

See, a play starring Julia Roberts was sold out before they even started rehearsals for it. Of course, right? She's a big star.

But, see, here's the interesting part. 75% of those tickets which were selling at $100 a pop were bought up by ticket scalpers hoping to make a tidy profit. So when the play didn't get great reviews, people were not very inclined to pay $300 a seat to see a mediocre play, star or no. But they WOULD see it for $75 - $100 a seat, which is the price that they originally sold for, and, in my opinion, the maximum price that they should have been sold for in the first place.

Because the tickets are a good deal, people are buying them. Especially people who otherwise would not have been able to see the show, namely her fans. (Also known as the people who would never have gone into a theatre if Julia Roberts wasn't in the show in the first place.)

So, in the end, I think Julia Roberts getting snubbed by the Tonys might be the best thing that's happened this season to Broadway. People actually can get into see a hot show. Here's hoping that they come back after Julia's left town.

Hey, that's a hit song! Hey, wait a minute, that's MY hit song!

Boy, this is my nightmare in a nutshell.

As you know, I write music for a living. And I listen to other people's music constantly. As a result, I'm constantly afraid that I've accidentally copied someone's music and made my own song out of it. I try to be really careful not to do this, but let's face it, all music is derivative of other music on some level.

There is no greater illustration of this than this game that I play with my wife called "Hey, what's this song really?" It goes like this: I'm thinking of a new song that sounds familiar, I say to my wife "Hey, what is this song really? Where have I stolen this from?", she then gives me an answer of some completely different song that it does not resemble at all. I then invariably say "WHAT? What are you talking about?". She then says "Yeah, absolutely!" and then sings the inappropriate song in the key of the song I'm thinking of, and then says "See? Almost the same, except the key is totally different, and all the notes are in a slightly different place."

She does this every time, with a completely straight face. I swear to you she absolutely does not acknowledge that virtually any song can be any other song if you change the key and rearrange all the notes. It never ceases to be incredibly entertaining, if not overly helpful.

But who really could have used my wife's music services is the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and I mean that they could have used it in a serious way. Now I would like to say that I'm a longtime fan of this band, and really think that they are terrific. By now, you've probably heard their hit "Dani California". If you haven't, here it is in its full glory with a truly excellent video where the band pretends to be Elvis Preseley, Herman's Hermits, Cream, Sex Pistols, The Misfits, Nirvana, and several others:



Great video, right? And that song is pretty catchy, right? You feel like you might have heard it before, right?

Bad news. You have.

It's actually a fairly consistent note-for-note rip-off of "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty. How close is it? Well......

Take a listen to the two songs back to back.

Bad, right? Hey, there but for the grace of God go I, or any of us for that matter. Ya know? The guitar progression of Am, G, D, and back to Am is one of the most used chord progressions in rock music. But still, when you get called out like this, it's hard not to be a little ashamed of not doing your homework.

At least I would be. Maybe that's why I always ask my wife. Even if she's way off, at least I've done my due diligence on some level.

Right?

All right, do anyone have any comments? You, in the back, the one who is booing. Tell us what you're trying to say.

In rock'n'roll, there are very few rules. But one of the most important ones that I learned from my years in it was "Never throw anything into the audience that you would not want coming back at your face five times as fast."

A fairly fascinating entry in the Spoleto blog illustrates this point. It recounts a recent confrontation between world-reknowned choreographer/dancer Bill T. Jones and an audience member who did not like a performance of his most recent piece entitled "Blind Date".

Is this a good idea? To openly challenge those who don't like your work? A small excerpt lets you know the answers to those questions:

“Boo!”
As lengthy applause faded, a shouted “Boo, boo!” filled the Sottile Theatre.
Bill T. Jones and the dancers of the Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company had just walked off stage.
Jones dashed back on.
“You come on down,” he shouted. “You come on down.”
When no one appeared, Jones called out again: “I dare you to come down.”
Of course that got a result. A silver-haired man approached the balcony’s edge.
Jones demanded an explanation. Another man in the uneasy audience milling about said, “Let it go. A statement was made,” then added a conciliatory, “It was great.”
Said Jones, “I know it was great.”
Shouted the silver-haired man, “I disagree. I’m giving you my message.”
“What do you disagree with?” responded Jones.
A choreographer named a MacArthur genius, Jones danced “Blind Date” in a suit, sometimes barefoot, often as counterpoint to a soldier, in a multi-media work clearly anti-war, anti-dogma and not so fond of patriotism, either.
The man leaned further over the balcony rail and announced, “I think it was a cliche disguised not very cleverly as third-rate art.
“Boo!”
Somewhere in this a wit yelled, “Four more years.”

Click here to read the rest.

Finger Soccer!

This is impressive!

Go here to learn how he did it!

Get your own TV show.

If you haven't read Stephen Colbert's speech to the graduates, it's pretty freakin' fantastic.

Check it out.