Raise your hand if you like food!

All right, I've been out of touch for a few days, so I'm gonna make it up to you right now.

I like food. This, in itself, is not remarkable. However! I also travel a lot, which means that I'm constantly in a new city and I'm hungry when I get there. The first thing I do is when I get to a new place is head to Zagat's to get the low-down on what's good on that town.

Now, I know the complaints against Zagat's. They vary a little in its wording, but the basic gist of them all is "The premise of grading restaurants by a popularity contest of the general public is flawed, because taste is so subjective, and also more importantly, most people are morons."

I can't argue with this logic. Most people are morons. However, generally speaking, Zagat's does a pretty good job of steering you towards the better restaurants around. Yes, they may miss sometimes, but they're easy and convenient, and that's pretty key when you're hungry.

Normally, the subscription for a year of access to the Zagat website is $24.95. But because I love each and every one of you so much, I'm gonna give you a year's subscription for free. Just click on this link here and fill in all the info. Use promo code G1C3Q2.Go ahead, find some great restaurant on me. Eat yourself silly.

P.S. - If you're really looking for the lowdown in awesome, yet off the beaten path, restaurants in NYC, LA, and San Francisco, I cannot recommend highly enough Chowhound. These people are serious about food, and they are never wrong. It's a huge sprawling site but it's free to enter and look around as well. I have found some of the most incredible restaurants ever through Chowhound, including some AMAZING barbeque at this church called Prayer Assembly Of God in El Segundo, which basically has this huge pit in its parking lot every weekend. Parishoners make the bar-b-q and people line up from miles around.

Now that, you ain't gonna see on Zagat's.

This has TOTALLY happened to me. In fact, I feel like it's happening right now.

The ultimate good news/bad news scenario:

The bad news is you fall off your bike, while riding it through the woods.

The good news is you land on something soft.

The bad news is that the soft thing you landed on is a poisonous snake, who is now really really mad.

Moral of the story: There is no such thing as good news when falling off of your bike.

There is no point in coming back to work if everyone else is still mentally on vacation.

My god, the world is madness today.

The problem with these 3 day weekends is that people just DO NOT want to go back to work at the end of 'em. You know? It's like everyone said "Well, hey, why can't I take 4 days off? Or 5? Really, I should get off until after New Years, no one is gonna give a damn til then anyway. After all, I don't get paid enough anyway for this stupid job and I gotta put up with these crappy people who won't get off my..."

But they don't finish that sentence, because in the middle of it, some crazy-ass thing happens because they weren't paying any attention. Why? Because they're still on vacation.

For example, there's a plane that's getting ready to make an emergency landing right now at LAX. It left from Orange County on its way to Denver. Wait a minute. Orange County? And it has to land at LAX? That's 15 minutes away. What happened?

Someone left the door to the plane open.

The cargo door, to be exact. Relax, everyone's fine, the cabin remained pressurized. But you see what I'm saying? Somebody just took their eye off the ball. Or door, in this case.

Or how bout this? Were you on the I-10 or the I-5 this morning, and you were wondering why you were just sitting there? Well, somebody driving a truck wasn't paying attention and spilled 80,000 pounds of french fries all over the intersection of both of those highways.

80,000 pounds of french fries.

There was some talk as to whether they should clean the mess up, or just crash another truck with 40,000 pounds of ketchup into it, and then just let people at it.

Hell, even Oprah can't get back to work today. She was flying her private jet out of her home in Santa Barbara back to Chicago, when a bird flew into the windshield of her jet, severely cracking it. (Probably just a desperate attempt to get into the "My Favorite Things" show audience.) Oprah had to sit out the day in SB, while the jet was repaired. Stedman also had the day off from whatever the hell it is he does.

Look, I say let's just give everybody the time off. We all know we're just lame ducks til after the New Year anyway, and seriously, it's just comedy at best, and disaster at worst from now til then. Who's with me?

When traveling all day with a 3 year old, one needs perspective...

Man, I'm beat. A total of 12 hours traveling today with my family, and I really think that I need to have a private conversation with the Play-A-Sound book people. You know, where the books have these sound effects modules attached to the books? Maybe I'll just write them a letter.

Dear Play-A-Sound,

HEY! HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT I AM TALKING VERY LOUDLY? ARE YOU WONDERING WHY I DON'T TALK ANY QUIETER? REALLY? SO, IN A SENSE, IT'S LIKE I SORT OF RESEMBLE YOUR PRODUCT, AS I DO NOT HAVE A VOLUME KNOB EITHER! MAYBE IF YOU LOOK INTO THAT, I MIGHT ALSO THINK ABOUT TALKING MORE QUIETLY!

Sincerely,
Lindsay Jones

P.S. DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? HAVE YOU RECEIVED THE DIRTY LOOKS FROM TOTAL STRANGERS IN THAT FIFTH HOUR OF THE FLIGHT, WHEN YOUR CHILDREN WON'T STOP PRESSING THE DAMNED THOMAS THE TRAIN BUTTON OVER AND OVER AGAIN? REALLY?

Well, still and all, as bad as today was (and I guess it wasn't all bad), it wasn't anywhere near as bad as these poor people whose plane was delayed at LAX for 45 HOURS!

















First, they get on the plane, and they blow a tire on the takeoff. So they dump all the fuel and go back to LAX. Of course, when you land a plane without a tire, it makes a huge mess. The landing gear dug into the runway, leaving a 7,000-foot-long field of debris that took 40 employees hours to clean up. So the plane is delayed til the next day.

So, next day comes, they try again, 2 and a half hours later than the scheduled departure time. They get on the runway, about to take off when....the pilots realize one of the engines has failed. They then have to tow the airplane back to the gate, which takes about 45 minutes. Thinking that mechanics can fix the engine quickly, they tell the passengers to stay in their seats and they will leave again in about 10 minutes.

The repair took 5 HOURS.

Now, speaking as a person who was on a plane today for 5 hours (and mind you, it was my second one of the day), I can honestly say that it's not particularly pleasant. But, see, the difference is that my plane was moving. It was moving because the engines were working. Because you know what happens when you turn off the engines on a plane in order to fix them? That's right, the air goes off too. So, imagine that the plane's temperature is becoming increasingly uncomfortable, passengers are starting to get angry, flight attendants lock up the galley to keep it from being overrun by rioting passengers....

All they needed was a single Play-A-Sound book and the whole plane would have turned into a full-scale prison riot.

Which is actually not far from what happened next. Basically, the passengers organized and busted out of the plane when they couldn't take it anymore. I totally sympathize, believe me.

Anyway, I feel terrible for these poor people, and I will say that it certainly puts my day into perspective. As the new year approaches, I will attempt to try to complain less.

BUT DON'T THINK THAT THIS GETS YOU OFF THE HOOK, PLAY-A-SOUND!

(Oh, like I'm gonna complain less....)

This will not be a warm and fuzzy X-mas post!

So be forewarned! I do not want to hear it! I'm telling you in advance that this is a crumudgeonly post! Go away! Shoo! Bah humbug!



Still there? Great, now it's just us. OK, so check this out. Take a look at this record below.






















See that? That record (CD, whatever) is the landmark release in jazz of this year. It's a previously undiscovered set that Thelonious Monk did with John Coltrane at Carnegie Hall in 1957. For almost 50 years, people did not believe a recording of this night existed, and it had lived forever as this night that people referred to in hushed tones, but hardly anybody was there to see it.

Then! Somebody found a recording of it in a vault somewhere! Not just any recording either, but miraculously a pristine copy of it! AND! If that wasn't enough, it turns out that the performance was actually was as good as people said it was! It's the jazz equivalent of somebody finding a 20,000 year old photograph that a dinosaur took of himself on vacation. People were pretty sure of what it might have been, but no one honestly really knew how great it was.

So enter me, Lindsay Jones. I want to buy this record as a Christmas present for my father, who is a jazz aficionado. There's only one problem. I forgot to buy it before I left Los Angeles to visit my family here in North Carolina.

Do not ask me why I didn't buy it! I just forgot, okay!? I just figured "Ah, what the hell, it's the jazz record of the decade, I should be able to pick this up in North Carolina." That part is not important! The important part is that I did not buy it before I got here!

Now, let's take a brief detour here. People always ask me why I left North Carolina. This story, this one right here, that I'm about to tell, this is why. OK?

Now I should start off by saying that Thelonious Monk, if you do not know who he is (and that's ok if you don't, really), is one of the giants of jazz. He's like in the top five guys of jazz. Coltrane, Parker, Davis, Mingus, and Monk. Oh, all right, fine, Ken Burns, you can have your Louis Armstrong, but that's it! It's hard to dispute and don't start handing me some line about Jaco Pastorius, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT JACO PASTORIUS. You and I both know who the top 5 (or 6) guys are, and no, I am not gonna come over to listen to your goddam Weather Report albums again. It's just not all that, ok? I'm sorry.

Now the other important thing for me to point out about Thelonious Monk is that he was born in North Carolina. You heard me. About an hour from here in Rocky Mount. Is there a museum about him there? No. The Thelonious Monk Institute of Jazz? That's in DC. There's a public park in Rocky Mount with his name on it. That's it. Not bad, I guess, I mean it is jazz, so you're already walking uphill to get anybody to recognize it but anyway, back to my story...

Oh wait. One more caveat. I know I know, get on with it! But one more thing. I have worked for several record stores in my life. Yes, it was a long time ago, but I have worked for both chain and independent record stores, and I have a pretty solid understanding of how the record business works, ok? I'm just saying.

So I go looking for this CD. Nobody has it here. I mean, nobody. I call every record store within an hour of here, which is all of like 7 record stores. Nothing. For the last 3 days, I have been hunting for it, and now it's Christmas Eve, and I am in big trouble. Finally, I call Best Buy in Greensboro, and I get this guy who says "Yeah, we have 6 here." and I'm like hallelujah!

I go all the way over to Greensboro, and, my hand to god, this is exactly what happened:

I look in jazz, under Monk, and they have a couple of his records, but NOT this one. Certainly not 6 copies. Look under Coltrane. Zip. Nada. This album is not to be found. Damnation! Someone has got to pay!

I find this guy named Bryan, who's Best Buy name badge marks him as a "media specialist". (Hang on to that, I'll be back for it in a minute.)

"Hi, I'm looking for the new Thelonious Monk album at Carnegie Hall."

"Monk? You mean the TV show Monk?"

"Ah...no. Thelonious Monk."

"The Loneliest Monk? Is that like gospel?"

(Odd that such a specialist would have difficulty grasping this. Still, I press on.)

"No. Thelonious. Monk. He's in Jazz. Live at Carnegie Hall with John Coltrane. Just came out a few weeks ago. I called and talked to somebody who said you have 6 copies."

"Did you look under M?"

(All right, maybe he's just toying with me now. This cannot be a serious question.)

"As a matter of fact, I did. No luck."

"What's his first name?"

"THELONIOUS. And yes, I looked under T as well. Look, the person I talked to said you have 6 of them. Now, he can't have pulled that number out of the air, right? Where would have gotten that idea?"

"I don't know. Who did you talk to?"

"I didn't get his name."

"It was a guy?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the only guy here, and I didn't tell you that."

(Must. Not. Kill.)

"Hey, look. Someone told me this. Maybe they're in the back or something?"

"I can look, I guess." He does. He comes back.

"Nothing back there but a bunch of boxes with a ton of cd's in them."

"AAAAAH! Any of them Thelonious Monk?"

"Well, I don't know, I would have to open every one of them, and my manager wouldn't like me to be off the floor that long. We probably have them back there somewhere, so if you want to come back in a few days..."

"A few days? Tomorrow is Christmas! I need it today!"

"I'm sorry, man. I can't go tearing open a bunch of boxes for some jazz CD." With the emphasis on jazz as if it was the kind of music that is only listened to by blind lepers or something, and man! I was mad!!

I wanted to grab that guy, rip that badge from his chest, and shove it down his throat while screaming at the top of my lungs:

"YOU! ARE NOT! A SPECIALIST!"

But! I did not. I looked at him long and hard, and finally said "Do you have a computer in here that connects to the internet?" He pointed to one, and I went to work.

I found a couple of stores in Greensboro, so I tried them. The first one I tried was the Record Exchange; now, remember when I said I worked in record stores? This was one of them, and in my time at Record Exchange, I learned a whole lot about music, so naturally I have high expectations about what kinda service I'm gonna get in here. So I call and a very surly teen male voice answers the phone:

"Record Exchange."

"Hey, I'm looking for this new jazz CD with Thelonious Monk and John..." He cuts me off.

"The only new jazz CD I have is Jamie Cullum." in the surliest record store employee tone imaginable.

Without even thinking, I just said "Well, then if I were you, I would kill myself." and I hung up on him. I mean, all right fine, it was mean, but come on! Jamie Cullum is not jazz! THIS IS MADNESS! SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE A STAND AROUND HERE!

I have one last call to make. Border's. If it ain't here, it's over and my dad is getting an Arch Card from McDonalds. Good god almighty, please oh please, can I just get some good jazz juju just once in this lifetime? I make the call:

"Hi, I'm looking for the new jazz cd by Thelonious Monk."

"Um...Theloni....."

"MONK! UNDER THE LETTER M! LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL WITH JOHN COLTRANE!"

"Please hold." Long long pause. "No, I'm sorry."

"Listen. I'm sorry. I yelled at you before. That was very rude of me and I'm very sorry. It's just been a frustrating day, you know? Could I ask you to do me a favor? Would you look under the letter C for Coltrane, just in case? Please?"

She looks. THEY HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell her there's $20 in it for her if she can keep anyone else from buying it before I get there. I drive 120mph on I-40, I'm there in 3 minutes. I buy it. I have it. It's done.

All right. Looking back on it now, it seems a little ridiculous. Perhaps. But, ya know, for all people talk about "Oh, Christmas should be about love and family and not all that commercial stuff", you know that what people really want is to find that killer gift for somebody. It's true. All the love and family stuff is very important, don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely fortunate person, and I thank people every single day for everything that has been given to me. But deep down, people would love to give that gift to someone that they would use over and over again and becomes a part of their life in some lasting way, so that it somehow resembles the love that goes with that gift.

Is a Thelonious Monk cd really that gift? Honestly, who knows? I'll give it to my dad today, and I'm sure he'll be very happy to get it, and then Christmas will be over, and this story will quickly fade away. So maybe this story that I'm writing down now is my gift to myself, so I can look back at this year from now, when I'm insanely chasing down the next impossible-to-find gift, and hopefully I can plan ahead, and even if I don't, try to be more nice about it, whether I find it or not.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

Oh, and before I forget, go check out this site where it talks about this CD. It really is something special, in my opinion.

David Mamet's christmas card

Nice, huh?

There's nothing like Christmas when you want to get punched in the face

What is it about this time of year that brings out those crazy stories of insane encounters with cabdrivers? First, my friend Alexandra Billings gets hassled by this guy in Chicago, and then complete madness happens as a result of the transit strike in NYC.

The lesson here, my friends, is speak slowly and carefully, and do not share the cab with a crazy person, strike or no.

In other words, Merry Christmas, now stay home already.

Who killed the Dave Chappelle show?

The funniest show on television, Chappelle's Show, featuring Dave Chappelle, ended in a well-publicized flame-out this year, and it left everyone wondering what the hell happened. People say Dave went crazy, other people say white executives banned all Dave's funny ideas, next thing you Dave is in Afica, and suddenly he's like the Charles Foster Kane of comedy - a recluse with a lot of money and a lot of mystery.

So what happened? Well, according to the incredibly well-documented website called The Chappelle Theory, the whole thing is a result of a wealthy cabal of black celebrities. The theory states that this group, which includes Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Bill Cosby, Whoopi Goldberg, Oprah Winfrey and Robert L. Johnson, had helped Dave Chappelle in various ways over the years to become a success but became increasingly concerned over the actor's portrayal of African-Americans on his show. Eventually, they launched a full fledged secret war on Chappelle, complete with threatening phone calls, mysterious packages, and eventual threats against Chappelle and his family. The theory is incredibly detailed and seems to have insider information into the inner workings of Chappelle's career and personal life.

Seriously? Bill Cosby is making death threats? Say, something sounds fishy here.Turns out however, that the whole thing may be a piece of satirical gorilla marketing genius by the head of Chappelle's Show, producer/writer Neal Brennan. After spending about 20 minutes reading through the whole theory in amazement thinking, "oh man, this makes sense. I hate Bill Cosby," the last page is a promo shot for a forthcoming (spring '06) short film called The Chappelle Theory Exposed, starring Charlie Murphy, a former player on the show, and written by Brennan. There are two links on the site, one to view a trailer for the film and one to watch an interview with Charlie Murphy. Both currently do not seem to work.

But then, I'm like "Wait a minute. Neal Brennan and Charlie Murphy? Haven't they already moved on to successful careers themselves? Charlie Murphy is in Roll Bounce right now, and has 4 movies coming out this year. Neal Brennan is in post-production on a movie he wrote and directed. Why would either of these guys be dealing with this now, when they are clearly on their own way?"

It doesn't add up. And it takes what was already a weird story and makes it a LOT weirder. Stay tuned for more details, kids. Uncle Lindsay's gonna make some phone calls.

UPDATE: So I made some calls, people asked me what the hell I was talking about, and by the time I got back to the site, it now had BULLSHIT now marked across it in large letters, and this disclaimer had been added. Seems a couple of lawyers of some of the people mentioned on the site (who, coincidentally, are some of the most litigious people on the planet) had also made some phone calls. Problem solved. Back to the original story where Dave just freaked out and smoked too much dope. Whew. I feel much better.

Quite possibly the greatest X-mas lights display ever

OK, I have seen some crazy light displays in my time, but this is truly incredible. Check this out. (It's a WMV, in case you're wondering).

This display was the work of Carson Williams, a Mason, Ohio, electrical engineer who spent about three hours sequencing the 88 Light-O-Rama channels that controlled the 16,000 Christmas lights in his annual holiday lighting spectacular (from Christmas 2004). His 2005 display includes over 25,000 lights that he spent nearly two months and $10,000 to hook up. So that the Williams' neighbors aren't disturbed by constant noise, viewers driving by the house are informed by signs to tune in to a signal broadcast over a low-power FM radio station to hear the musical accompaniment.

Alas, after a 6 December 2005 traffic accident in his neighborhood, Carson Williams agreed to indefinitely discontinue his 2005 Christmas light display because it was causing severe traffic congestion problems.

The rough quality of the video has led some viewers to believe it was put together in stop-action form from still photographs, but that is an artifact of the high compression used in the clip circulated via e-mail. Mr. Williams has posted instructions for recreating his "Wizard in Winter" sequencing, and another of his choreographed Christmas light music shows can be viewed here.

UPDATE!: Carson's display has been made into a Miller Lite Commercial! Ah, Christmas. Taking the truly unique and mass-marketing it to everyone as fast as possible. Oh well. Major thanks to Hubler for giving me the tip.

The cheapest place to live in LA?

What do lawn gnomes, barbeques, and a 60-ish year old prostitute with a fondness for tight skirts and glittery, silver high-heeled shoes have in common? Well, they all live in LAX (Los Angeles Airport) parking lot B.

Apparently, LAX allowed airline workers to park RVs at Parking Lot B, behind a restaurant for $30 a month. The program was to allow airline employees a place to catch a few winks, shower, and rest in between flights.

However, the airport would give anyone a pass, and when the RV community got wind of the $30 per month fee, trailer trash converged on the airport, bringing with it a multitude of problems, including human waste dumped on the ground. They are now trying to clean it up or kill the program. Read all about it here.

Now, as it so happens, my son (who's 3) and I walked across this lot not so long ago.(Well, I walked, he rode on top of the luggage.) Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it is a LONG walk from Terminal 1 to Terminal 7, and do not let anybody at US Airways try to tell you otherwise.

Anyway, we took a "shortcut" (ahem) across lot B and I distinctly remember looking around and thinking "Wow, these people have really been waiting for a long time for their passengers to show up at baggage claim." But, of course, my son started to ask he could go play with the lawn gnomes and so then I really sped up the Smarte-carte, so as to not be stuck there all morning while my son raised hell with trailer park ornaments. But it was weird, man. I definitely remember wondering what the hell was going on.

I guess my question is "In a day and age where we are so worried about airport security, is it a good idea to let anybody with $30 live at the airport?" I mean, I saw The Terminal too, and trust me, there is no one like Tom Hanks living out here in this lot. But then there isn't anyone working as a flight attendant who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones either, I guess.

OR! We could celebrate it! Maybe lets like hire these people as greeters or something! You know, LA is a weird town, why hide it, right? Let's put these people to work and really get visitors excited about what life is truly all about here.

I can see it now... You get off the plane and you hear....

"Welcome to LA, here's your lawn gnome. Elderly prostitutes are to your left, look out for the human feces on your right. All the buildings here look alike, except for the ones that you will never be allowed to enter. Enjoy your stay!"

I think it would catch on like gangbusters!

What I want (or what will probably happen to me) this X-mas!

OK, I'm a frequent flier. No, I mean, really, like over 200,000 miles flown this year. I'm serious. I spend my life running through airports. So, imagine my shock when I saw this PLAYMOBIL ® Security Check-in available for sale for your child's holiday present!

You know, like for when your child tells you how they wanna grow up to be an airport screener? Hey, wait a minute.

Let's just put this out there, people. If your child ever expresses any interest in growing up to be an airport screener, then I would say that the ideal present for that child would be a dictionary so that he can learn about the other jobs that are out there. But I digress.

Anyway! All right, stop whatever it is you are doing right now! I rarely recommend other people blogs (and if I do, they would be located directly to the right of this column). BUT! Go immediately to Concurring Opinions and read their review of this toy. The guy's a law professor, no less.

I laughed so hard, I peed. Honest.

Charlize Theron tastes fantastic!

Well, I had the quintessential Hollywood experience the other night at Hamasaku, which is this phenomenal sushi restaurant in Los Angeles.

So what's strange about this place is that it's completely hidden in this anonymous looking strip mall, and even once you're directly outside the restaurant, you're still like "Is this it?". Inside, however, is a totally different story, as it's a lovely place and the sushi is freakin' crazy-good. Now, the cachet of the place is supposedly that this is where the celebrities comes for their sushi.

"Yeah, sure", I hear you say, "you could say that about half the sushi restaurants in Los Angeles.", and yes, you would be right. BUT! Where this place is different than the rest is that each of the special rolls are actually named after celebrities who supposedly frequent the restaurant. And I'm not talking about Morey Amsterdam here. These people are so famous that like they only use their first name like Enrique, Anna and Christina Aguilera. (All right, she uses both her first and last name, but that's because she'll do anything to make sure you remember her, if you know what I mean.)

Now, the first thought one has about this when looking at the menu is "I wonder if any of these people ever actually come in here." You know what I mean? Like, ok, MAYBE Enrique and Anna stumbled in here once, but is it really like their roll?

So I end up ordering a Charlize roll and a XXX roll, (which I'm assuming is named after the movie, and not like after Ron Jeremy or somebody like that). So we're served our food, and the Charlize roll is great - it's basically spicy tuna between two fried wontons and topped with avocado and this spicy sauce. So I'm eating it and at that moment, this beautiful blond woman walks by our table to her table. And sure enough, it's Charlize Theron! She's with her boyfriend, and a whole bunch of people for what appears to be a birthday party. Of course, she looks great. But I can't get over the fact that I'm eating her roll (if you will) and she's sitting next to us. So it's takes all my willpower to not just yell out "Charlize, baby, you taste fantastic!", but somehow I restrain myself.

Anyway, they eat a lot (I mean A LOT) of food at her table, and man, the restaurant keeps bringing it out. How can such a small woman pack away so much sushi? It made me think of the story that came out last year about her and her boyfriend getting thrown out of Nozawa (widely regarded as L.A.'s greatest sushi restaurant, complete with a sushi Nazi chef) for ordering too much sushi. I kid you not. Now it should be said that Nozawa is a hyper-controlling chef, he allows no printed menu, and there is a sign that hangs behind his sushi bar that says "Special of the day - TRUST ME". Let's just say he's not gonna be naming any rolls (if he even makes any) for any star anytime soon.

Anyway, the restaurant gives us some leftover chocolate truffles that doesn't make it to Charlize's table, and they're really good. It must be nice to get this stuff hand over fist, but hey, I'm not complaining. As of now, I'm allowed into Nozawa, (I think), and I can say that I ate Charlize's roll while she watched and I won't get beaten up!

Hopefully, that is.

Al Franken mounts his most ambitious campaign to date...

That's right, America's most vocal liberal advocate, Al Franken, is not taking this lying down anymore. He's begged. he's pleaded, he's done all he can do. And now he's taking it to the American people.

What's his demand? Is it Bush's resignation? Rove's execution? Rush being forced to listen to nothing but the Grateful Dead til the end of time?

Well, yes, actually, all of those would be fine with him (and me too actually, except maybe the Grateful Dead part - even I have some humanity left). BUT! His most outrageous demand yet is.......

For the love of god, would Peter Paul finally make a dark chocolate Almond Joy candy bar?

Frankly, I think that this may actually be the issue that unites people across the aisle. I really do. Think about it. We have the Mounds, with its dark chocolate and coconut. We have the Almond Joy with it's milk chocolate, almonds and coconut.

The American people demand a dark chocolate Almond Joy!

Call the Peter Paul people at 1-800-468-1714 and beg them for a dark chocolate Almond Joy that's just like a Mounds, except with the almond. Right now!

Then! After we get a candy bar with nuts, maybe we can find a Democrat with some too!

Fight the power!

Welcome! You've got gonorrhea!

Yes, for those of you who are no longer surprised at anything that shows up in your email, this one makes you the star attraction! According to MSNBC, Los Angeles county health officials were trying to think of a way to help their patients had tested positive for a veneral disease notify their past sexual partners, without that messy embarrassment that would be inevitable otherwise in a person to person conversation/argument/fight/arrest/arraignment/ lawsuit/settlement/grudge/revenge/homicide/ arrest/jennyjonesshow/movieoftheweek/ lather/rinse/repeat.

Their solution? Cute little e-cards (such as the one you see above) that can be sent anonymously. Thus ensuring a huge rise in the numbers of computers that need to be repaired as people spit-take their morning coffee all over the world.

Is this what it's come to? We don't even have to face that horrible one night stand anymore after they gave us crabs 'cause we just get to email them these GQ models who get to tell them? "Hell yes!", a nation of you cry back and I hear you, I do. It just somehow seems like if you were that stupid in the first place and the embarrassment of living out that hell of having to tell everyone you've slept with in the last 5 years is now relieved from you, what's to really keep you from doing it again? Besides the crabs, I mean......

And what about these cards anyway with the Your message goes here? What's that message? "My bad."?

Modern life just kills me sometimes. Ya know?

CBGB - FU NYC

Well, it's official. The news that New York City music fans have been dreading has finally arrived. On Halloween 2006, the life of the legendary club CBGB will come to an end at its current location. This decision was made after negotiations have gone back and forth for months between club owner Hilly Kristal (seen above after a typical night at the club) and the Bowery Residents Committee.

Billboard.com has reported that this agreement was announced yesterday, giving the rock venue a few more months at 315 Bowery. The BRC will allow Kristal to remain at their current location until October 31, 2006, but that comes at a hefty price. Their rent has been boosted from $19K to $35K per month, which has prompted Kristal to already start scouting spots for a new location. The rumors are flying that the club will actually relocate to Las Vegas. The city of New York is making all sorts of financial offers to try to keep the club somewhere in NYC, but honestly, if you ran a punk rock club for 30 years under a homeless shelter in New York City and somebody said that they would give you a bazillion dollars to move to Las Vegas, what would you do?

But how can CBGB be what it has been, in Las Vegas or anywhere else, for that matter? Kristal replied: “Things are different all the time -- look at the '70s, the '80s, the '90s. The most important thing is we're keeping the integrity of CBGB's. It won't be exactly the same, but it will have the same ingredients."

At least we have a few more months to say goodbye to CBGB in all of its original glory. Having played there several times in my life, and being the only person that I've ever met brave enough to poop in that bathroom (see below), I absolutely urge you all to go there before it's gone. They just don't make hole-in-the-walls like this one anymore.

The upside of Creationism...

Recent news about the avian flu virus has raised concerns from Main Street to the White House. There is the possibility, even likelihood, that the virus will mutate into a form that can more easily infect humans. As the President pointed out, a vaccine cannot be made until this evolution occurs. This raises the concern that it may be impossible to create enough vaccine fast enough to protect all our citizens.

But there is hope. Gallup polls tell us that up to 45 percent of Americans don't believe in evolution. Since random mutation is the engine of evolution, these same people must believe that the virus cannot mutate. Therefore, there is no need to waste vaccine on folks who believe there is no possible threat to themselves -- thus leaving a sufficient supply for the rest of us.

Perhaps the President, given his doubts about evolution, may wish to demonstrate his leadership by foregoing vaccination.

This approach has added benefits. Polls also tell us that disbelief in evolution is more pronounced among the less educated, the poor and conservatives. If the anti-evolutionists among these groups were to opt out of vaccination then, through immediate deaths and natural selection, we would reduce poverty, raise educational attainment, and become a more progressive society.

George R. Zug
Smithsonian Institution, Division of Amphibians & Reptiles/mrc162

....although this letter is now actually believed to be written by Steve Anderson of Arroyo Grande, CA.

Or, as Tina Fey put it on a recent Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, "A recent poll showed that 66% of Americans think that President Bush is doing a poor job in Iraq, while the other 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church."

If this is vomit, I must be in Cincinnati...

Chances are that if you're reading this, you haven't visited Cincinnati recently.

How do I know? Well, the Associated Press are reporting that up to 300 people became violently ill after eating food at the Hilton Cincinnati Netherland Plaza Hotel between November 29 and December 3. Afflicted people suffered vomiting, diarrhea and other stomach problems.

The hotel has since cleaned its food preparation areas, threw away any leftover food and ordered all food workers who got sick to stay home until they were symptom-free for three days. I would speculate that chances are probably still good that you can get a pretty cheap rate there for this weekend. Maybe just call LaRosa's instead of room service, if you know what I mean.

Now, I've spent a fair amount of time in Cincinnati, and it's a perfectly fine place, so don't start sending me a lot of hate mail if you're from there.

Seriously though, this brings a whole new definition to the term "five-way chili".

Christopher Robin undergoes a sex change....

Now, I know most of you who read blogs are looking for something with great substance, the inside story, the untold conspiracy, the real deal. I, however, normally have as much insight as a bowl of dirt.

BUT! Today's my day for that story, my friend! That's right, check out this story from the London Times about none other than the previously lovable and carefree children's character Winnie The Pooh! Oh sure, you thought it was all hunky-dory in the Hundred Acre Wood, didn't you? Well, my friends, trouble is afoot.

You see, this article does the classic one-two punch by revealing two horrible truths about these characters we've all come to know and love. First, it reveals that for the new upcoming Pooh series for the Disney Channel, Christopher Robin has been changed from a young boy to a girl! Now, seeing that these characters have existed in print for 80 YEARS, what's the reason for this, you may ask? Newly discovered information from the A.A. Milne estate?

Sadly, no. It turns out marketing is the reason. After a bunch of test-marketing, Disney has decided it can better market a girl character instead of a boy character for their new show, so even though Christopher Robin has been around practically as long as the Walt Disney company itself, he's being retired. Or, as a person in charge of the marketing put it, “Pooh appears to be a robust brand that can handle expansion.” Amazing, huh?

But while you're still digesting that tidbit, the article goes on to an interview with the widow of the REAL Christopher Robin. As you may (or may not) remember, A.A. Milne based the little boy character on his son, named Christopher Robin, who was a young boy at the time. As the interview with the widow reveals, this completely ruined the son's life! He was apparently bullied mercilessly as a boy and said that his father's books “filched from me my good name and . . . left me with nothing but the empty fame of being his son”.

Now, before you start wondering what the fuss is all about here, you should know that Disney takes in 1 BILLION with a B per year on Winnie The Pooh related stuff. So, like this decision didn't just come up by accident. Still, if you wanna complain, you could go here or here. Or just bitch about it like me, Wil Wheaton, and Neil Gaiman.


Image courtesy of Whatever..

This is no mitzvah...

The above photo of 50 Cent and his dj was taken at the Mitzvahpalooza and obtained by the almighty Tabloid Baby!, which was the 10 MILLION DOLLAR bat mitzvah for one lucky girl in New York City. Boy, the look of disbelief on that dj says it all, doesn't it? Shot 9 times, comes back from the dead to go onto international stardom and he's going out like that? Damn.

Not to mention that Fitty is wearing a diamond studded cross for the whole thing! Pardon me, Mr Cent. Might I suggest a little research on your audience next time you do a private show? You may wanna leave that cross at home when you rock that Nation Of Islam fundraiser in the future....

But you think that dj's look is bad? Imagine the look on my face, and your face when you and I read this entry.

You see, the first question one asks oneself when you read something like this is WHO? Who has 10 million dollars to blow on a party for a 13 year old? Remember Dennis Kozlowski, the now convicted chairman of Tyco, who had that crazy-ass birthday party for his wife that was on the news over and over again? You know, the one where the ice statue of David was peeing Stolichnaya vodka? That party only cost TWO MILLION. This party cost 5 times as much! It's rumoured that it cost 2 million just to get Aerosmith in the room!

So who's party is this? The man who wrote the check is none other than David H. Brooks, CEO of bulletproof vest maker DHB Industries. Bulletproof vests? Is there that much money in bulletproof vests? Well, ever since we went to war in Iraq, there sure is. DHB is the chief supplier of vests to our military forces and to put it inperspective for you, Mr. Books earned $70 million in 2004, which is 13,349% more than his 2001 compensation of $525,000.

Now, is it a crime to be rich? No, it is not. Is it a crime to get rich off of selling a product to our military in a war? Definitely not. Is it a crime to become so obscenely rich off of a product that you sell to our military that you throw the most lavish party ever in the history of the world for a 13 year old? It's extremely tacky maybe, but no, it isn't a crime.

But! What if you got obscenely rich off of selling a product to our military at war that, in fact, did not actually do what you said it would do? According to a government memo uncovered in an eight-month investigation by the Marine Corps Times, the company’s vests, made by DHB subsidiary Point Blank Body Armor, failed tests when they suffered “multiple complete penetrations” of 9mm pistol rounds and other ballistics. In the memo, government ballistics expert James MacKiewicz said his office “has little confidence in the performance” of the body armor. The Marines recalled 5,277 of the company’s “Interceptor” vests in May.

So, let's recap. Guy makes a fortune selling defective vests to our military and throws his daughter the most elaborate bat mitzvah ever to celebrate. If that's all this was, then yes, it's disgusting, but hey, life goes on, right? But the kicker is that this money was made off of the military, and guess who gives them their money? That's right. You and me.

We all just paid for the greatest bat mitzvah of all time. And we didn't even get to go.

Check out that dj's face again. Damn. I can't believe we all went out like that.

Well!........uh..................hello!

My god, are you reading this? This is the obligatory first post where I make empty promises about how this blog is gonna shake things up and change the way we look at the world. For god's sake, scroll up for a bit, so you can be up to date with my now weary and bitter viewpoints, after I find out how the world really works.

Otherwise, this would just be a long post about how pretty everything looks here! Which it does! Whoooooo!