Self-editing is overrated. Or is it?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm not making this up.

God damn, I love the news. I do.

You know, I'm trying to post once a day on this blog, and there are days when nothing all that exciting or funny has happened to me and I think "Man, I've got nothing to write about at all". Then I look around the internet for less than three minutes, and there is something that is completely mind-blowing every single time. Not just "Huh, that's interesting" but like "that's the single most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard." And it is too. Until the next day, when I find something even more incredible. It's truly amazing.

This story is so crazy, that I had to read it several times to make sure that it was not a joke. And it's not!

I tell you what, let's play a game. I'm gonna tell you this story, and let's see how many times I have to say "I'm not making this up." while I tell it to you. If you wanna drink every time I say it, that's your option, but I would recommend that you stand next to an open container that is both large and empty if you do.

Ready? OK, here we go.

So you'll recall from my post the other day that Pat Robertson had called the sudden stroke of Israel prime minister Ariel Sharon a divine retribution of God's will because Israel had started pulling out of the Gaza Strip, and, in Robertson's words, "dividing God's land". (I'm not making this up.)

Well, then came the predictable cycle: shocked news reporters, general annoyance from the public, embarrassment from legitimate religious organizations, and, last but not least, a statement from the White House saying "Hey, just because we do everything he asks, it doesn't mean that we publicly validate everything he says. Besides, how many times do we have to say the same thing? We never publicly call for the death of anyone who actually possesses nuclear weapons."

"We know this already", you're saying, "get to the good part!" OK OK, here it is.

According to The London Times, the latest backlash has had a rather unexpected consequence. You see, Pat Robertson heads a group of Christian investors who are trying to build a biblical amusement park in Israel. (I'm not making this up.) They have already raised 50 MILLION DOLLARS (I'm also not making this up) for the park, which they want to locate in Galilee (Not making this up either) because its already built-in attractions.

What attractions, you might ask? Well, they had planned to put in a roller coaster to climb up the Mount of Beatitudes where Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount. (I'm not making this up!)

At Taghba on the shore of the Sea Of Galilee, where Jesus fed the 5,000 in the Bible, that's where they're going to put the food court. (I'm telling you, I'm not making this up!)

They even planned to build a little Biblical town of Capernaum, where Jesus is said to have lived, complete with gift shops and worship chapels. (I'm not making this up either!)

OK, are you sitting down? Here's what they were going to call it: Jesusland!

Say it with me now: I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Wait, there's more! OK, so the plan was that these Christian investors would invest the 50 million in the structures of the buildings, and the state of Israel would lease them the land for free. (Still not making this up.)

HOWEVER, when Pat Robertson said that Ariel Sharon's stroke was God's retribution, this naturally offended virtually every Jew in Israel. So, now Israel has told Pat Robertson to go shove it, he can't build his Jesusland in Israel! Avi Hartuv, a spokesman for Israel’s tourism minister, said: "We can’t accept this kind of statement. We will not do business with him." (He's definitely not making that up.)

Now, Pat Robertson, for some reason, can't understand why the people of Israel would be offended by his comments. (Now you KNOW I'm not making that up.) So, naturally, he's now trying to backpedal on his comments, so as to somehow keep his Jesusland project alive. (Not making this up.)

He sent forth his spokesman, Angell Watts, (no, I'm not making her name up!) who said "Robertson pointed to the book of Joel in the Old Testament to show a biblical perspective of God’s view of Israel and efforts made from people who try to divide God’s land." She went on to say that this was all a big mix-up, that Robertson was simply trying to show us how God viewed the land of Israel, and accused rival groups of a 'left-wing political agenda' were lifting her employer's comments out of context to discredit him. (Out of context? He said it on his show on TV! It was his context! Clearly you are making this up!)

But are you ready for the final amazing part? The Jesusland project is not dead! The State of Israel is still willing to lease the land at no charge for the project. (Not making this up.) However, the new stipulation is that any Christian can take over the Jesusland project, on the sole condition that he has absolutely no association whatsoever with Pat Robertson! (I swear to freakin God I am not making this up!)

"The contract is still open - just not with Mr Robertson." said Mr Hartuv. "If there are other Christian leaders, they are most welcome to sign a contract to bring Christian tourists to the State of Israel. We want to see who in the group supports his (Robertson’s) statements. Those who support the statements cannot do business with us. Those that publicly support Ariel Sharon’s recovery are welcome to do business with us. We have to check this very, very carefully."

Suddenly, at the back of this press conference, Jesus himself appeared, back for the second coming. He was quickly pulled aside, and was heard to say "He said what?!?! I've never even met this guy!", before telling everyone to please get a grip on themselves, and for the love of Christ, tell Pat Robertson to please stop saying and doing such stupid stuff and then attaching his name to it.

(All right, fine, I made that last part up. But tell me that this part was the most unbelievable part of this whole story, I dare you!)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like they say, life is stranger then fiction. Don't know if you're old enough to remember, but Jim and Tammy Baker bilked millions out of people to build a biblical amusement park in, I think it was North Carolina. Jim went to jail.

1/12/2006 4:18 AM

Anonymous Alex said...

This is the best thing ever. Linz, you're now my Ultimate Hero. I will never go anywhere else for my Christian News.

Would you please, please, PLEASE find Pat Robertson and pimp slap him for me?


I'll give you $10.

1/12/2006 12:13 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home