All right, everyone. It's time to review the obvious.

You know, you spend a lot of time in hotels and airports, and sooner or later, you're gonna end up watching a lot of CNN. It's just how it works out: you've already seen all the episodes of Law and Order, it feels like The Sopranos are never going to get here, and frankly, Elimidate really isn't any good until they all start calling each other sluts at the end of the show. So, fine, CNN it is.

But what completely astonishes me when I watch CNN is the incredulousness that they display when reporting certiain news developments as if they are a COMPLETE SHOCK! But we all knew them all along!

For example, people are apparently ASTONISHED by the recent comments by Pat Robertson that Ariel Sharon's recent stroke that sent him into a coma was, in fact, divine retribution for pulling out of the Gaza Strip. Really, Pat Robertson? Say something outrageous? Wow! That is SO unexpected and newsworthy!

ATTENTION ALL NEWS MEDIA:

PAT ROBERTSON IS A CRAZY OLD MAN! HE IS MERELY A REPRESENTATIVE FOR OTHER CRAZY OLD PEOPLE! HE IS SAYING THESE THINGS SOLELY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION, AND BY CONTINUING TO BREATHLESSLY UPDATE ON EVERY STUPID THING HE SAYS, YOU ONLY GIVE HIM CREDIBILITY THROUGH THE ASSUMPTION THAT WHAT HE IS SAYING MEANS ANYTHING TO ANYBODY! HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER HAD AN ELDERLY RELATIVE THAT SAID OR DID SOMETHING STUPID TO GET YOUR ATTENTION? DID YOU PUT THEM ON HEADLINE NEWS EVERY HALF HOUR?

I'm just amazed by it all. And you know, these things just keep coming. Hey, did you hear about Lindsay Lohan? According to the new Vanity Fair, Lindsay Lohan is bulimic and has been taking lots of drugs! Really, Lindsay Lohan? You mean all that weight loss and haggard appearance really wasn't her trying a new look? Wow! That is SO unexpected and newsworthy!

ATTENTION ALL NEWS MEDIA:

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS BEEN TAKING DRUGS FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW! YOU KNOW WHEN SHE WAS CLAMING "EXHAUSTION"? SHE WAS EXHAUSTED FROM TAKING ALL THOSE DRUGS! I MEAN, DID YOU EVEN SEE THAT HERBIE THE CAR MOVIE? SHE DID NOT TAKE THAT MOVIE FOR ITS ARTISITC MERITS! WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE MORE PERSISTENT NEXT TIME SOMEBODY LOSES 30 POUNDS IN 2 MONTHS AND NOT JUST CHALK IT UP TO BEING A YOUNG STARLET UNDER PRESSURE? NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY IS GONNA START SAYING THAT SHE'S PREGNANT!

And don't even get me started on this whole Kevin Federline thing.

Can we all agree that, from now on, that if something is just so completely obvious, that we just start calling it what it is, regardless of spin? If we're eventually gonna come around to what we already know, it's gonna be time-saving for all of us.

OK? Good.