Self-editing is overrated. Or is it?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

If there is one thing that I have learned in my life, it is that you should never mess around with a long line of women waiting to go to the bathroom.


God bless The Smoking Gun. I mean it, god bless them for doing the things that they know we would do if we had limitless amounts of time and patience.

OK, I'm sure you remember the news reports last November about the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who were arrested for starting a fight in a Tampa bar after they had sex in a bathroom, right?

Sure, who could forget?

Well, all of us, of course! We all forgot all about it! It was just another wacky news story that happened that day, and yeah, we mighta talked about it the next day, I'm sure Jay Leno made some contractually obligated unfunny joke about it, and we all moved on.

But not The Smoking Gun! James Frey controversy aside, the website does only one thing and does it well: namely extracting sensitive legal documents under the Freedom Of Information Act. They stayed on the cheerleader case long after everyone else went home and now they have the actual police reports of the whole sordid mess.

Is there better things to be doing in the world? Probably. But this is lesbian cheerleaders getting into a fight while having sex in a bathroom! Let's get right to the facts.

All right, so the story as it's reported by several witnesses in the reports all say the same thing:

Example Example

Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley

were having what could only be described as MANY drinks at Banana Joe's nightclub in Tampa, when they came upon the idea of "Hey, let's go have sex in the bathroom". So they head into a stall in the bathroom, and, not very discreetly, go at it. In a situation that only women can understand, there were only two toilets in the bathroom and so, before long, a very long line begins to develop. Because Thomas is standing on the actual toilet with her face in plain view above the stall, there is very little doubt as to what's going on below.

The women waiting in line start to get more and more agitated, as the two women continue to monopolize the stall. Cries of "Come on!" and "Hurry up!" slowly start to turn into "Get a room, you whores!". Well, when the two women finally emerge from the stall, the next person in line, Melissa Holden, said something to Thomas as she passed. Thomas responded by punching Holden in the face, sending her to the floor. The women in line, truly having had enough of this and really needing to pee, jumped on Thomas and Keathley and held them down until police arrived.

When being interviewed by police, Thomas, thinking fast, identifies herself as another Panther cheerleader Kristen Owen. She backs that by handing over Owen's drivers liscence which she had stolen from her earlier that evening. A quote from the police report says that "it should be noted that Thomas and Owen look very similar".

The punchline of the story? The report says that the arresting officer called Thomas's boyfriend back in North Carolina to advise him of the arrest and contact information for the jail to arrange bail for her. One can only imagine what that phone call would have been like.

Thomas faces a battery charge and two other charges of using a false name. Keathley faces charges of obstructing an officer and disorderly conduct. Holden has filed a civil suit against the two women for $15,000 in damages.

People, please. In the name of humanity, when having lesbian sex in a public bathroom, please be considerate of other people's needs and keep it brief and non-violent.

I hope we've all learned something here today. I know I have.


Anonymous Alex said...

The last time I had lesbian sex in a bathroom stall it was 1983 at a club called Paradise, and Eartha Kitt was in line with her pet poodle "Salon".

I then called myself a whore and did a line of coke with Billy Idol.

I'm not kidding.

2/03/2006 1:53 PM


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